Here you see all quotes from a specific category, ordered by time of last vote. Choose another if you like.
Quote | Pick-up line | You have a drinking problem when | Annoy people
| Quote | (Ranking) |
|---|---|
| Quote: They say we use only 10% of our brain. Just think if we used the other 60%! |
(213 of 519) |
| Quote: What is the difference between apathy and ignorance? - I don't know and I don't care. |
(70 of 519) |
| Quote: Either I'm hallucinating, or seeing things. |
(459 of 519) |
| Quote: There is still no cure for the common birthday. |
(407 of 519) |
| Quote: Marriage is a great institution, as long as you don't mind living in one. |
(2 of 519) |
| Quote: I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad. |
(198 of 519) |
| Quote: Work is the curse of the drinking class. |
(505 of 519) |
| Quote: Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. |
(175 of 519) |
| Quote: Sign posted in a bathroom: "We aim to please! You aim too! Please!" |
(357 of 519) |
| Quote: You learn alot in your teenage years, for instance I learned that if you're ever being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a little tunnel, then onto a mini seesaw and then jump through a ring of fire, they've trained for that you see. |
(399 of 519) |
| Quote: Jesus says to John come forth, I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth. he won a toaster. |
(26 of 519) |
| Quote: In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated. |
(274 of 519) |
| Quote: When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. |
(358 of 519) |
| Quote: Argument is to find out who is right, discussion is to find out what is right. |
(514 of 519) |
| Quote: For me there are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats. |
(485 of 519) |
| Quote: I want you to just sit there and think about how many decent and trustworthy people there are in the world, and while you're doing that, I'll be over here, kissing your girlfriend. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian. |
(319 of 519) |
| Quote: It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. |
(390 of 519) |
| Quote: "Television: A medium." So called because it's neither rare nor well done. |
(500 of 519) |
| Quote: I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans. |
(477 of 519) |
| Quote: To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra |
(123 of 519) |
| Quote: I had a vision from the Dalai Lama, he said that if I didn't kill 4 people there would be an earthquake. - Sheriff: "What earthquake?" - Exactly. |
(61 of 519) |
| Quote: I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. |
(410 of 519) |
| Quote: A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. |
(350 of 519) |
| Quote: Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry. |
(10 of 519) |
| Quote: If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. |
(20 of 519) |
| Quote: Children in back seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause children. |
(124 of 519) |
| Quote: Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
(397 of 519) |
| Quote: I have a dog that's half pitbull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a viscious gossip. |
(394 of 519) |
| Quote: Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme |
(387 of 519) |
| Quote: I like to reminisce with people I don't know. |
(144 of 519) |
| Quote: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? |
(257 of 519) |
| Quote: When the moon broke apart in the late 2050's, the climate of Earth was devastated. Mankind's birthworld could no longer sustain life, other than the well adapted creatures, such as cockroaches and lawyers. |
(441 of 519) |
| Quote: Did ya hear? They took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary! |
(296 of 519) |
| Quote: If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave. |
(456 of 519) |
| Quote: God is real, unless declared integer. |
(416 of 519) |
| Quote: Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. |
(159 of 519) |
| Quote: If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
(81 of 519) |
| Quote: I like undressing women with my eyes, although I just can't quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids. |
(79 of 519) |
| Quote: There are two typos of people in this world--those who can edit and those who can't. |
(400 of 519) |
| Quote: Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. |
(211 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables. |
(503 of 519) |
| Quote: You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. |
(29 of 519) |
| Quote: I hate hypothetical questions, maybe I am an over achiever but I always am dying to answer them. |
(455 of 519) |
| Quote: Stupidity is a poor excuse for ignorance. |
(4 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral. |
(299 of 519) |
| Quote: My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. |
(333 of 519) |
| Quote: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. |
(262 of 519) |
| Quote: If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special? |
(491 of 519) |
| Quote: You're unique. At least, that's what everybody hopes. |
(346 of 519) |
| Quote: My favorite animal is steak. |
(434 of 519) |
| Quote: I called the hotel operator, she said "how can I direct your call?" Well, you could say "action!" And I will begin to dial. And then when I say goodbye, you could yell "cut!" |
(372 of 519) |
| Quote: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. |
(48 of 519) |
| Quote: Half the lies they tell about me aren't true. |
(301 of 519) |
| Quote: My girlfiend said to me in bed last night: "you're a pervert". I said, "that's a big word for a girl of nine". |
(13 of 519) |
| Quote: I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob." |
(352 of 519) |
| Quote: I think the hardest decision you have to make before you ever decide to move to outer space, is where to put the corner bookshelf. |
(303 of 519) |
| Quote: Liberals invent the future, conservatives re-invent the past. |
(501 of 519) |
| Quote: Inside every fat woman is a thin lady screaming to get out - I can usually shut the bitch up with chocolate! |
(87 of 519) |
| Quote: Remember those cuts and bruises when you learn to ride that bicycle? Why didn't you stop until you can make it? |
(517 of 519) |
| Quote: "Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilization of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move?" "No." "Me neither." |
(306 of 519) |
| Quote: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. |
(206 of 519) |
| Quote: My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. |
(494 of 519) |
| Quote: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
(370 of 519) |
| Quote: Getting into a shouting match with a guy who owes you money is like being an albino who is holding a sundial--it's a quick way to get burned. |
(383 of 519) |
| Quote: They say we live in a free world, but we have to pay for goddamned everything! |
(210 of 519) |
| Quote: The covers of this book are too far apart. |
(291 of 519) |
| Quote: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? |
(73 of 519) |
| Quote: To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. |
(75 of 519) |
| Quote: Everyone is entitled to my opinion. |
(223 of 519) |
| Quote: To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex, with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive. |
(458 of 519) |
| Quote: You say psycho like it's a bad thing. |
(471 of 519) |
| Quote: If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. |
(263 of 519) |
| Quote: If loving someone is putting them in a strait jacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people. |
(351 of 519) |
| Quote: I was only ever in love once, and it had the weirdest effect on me. It turned a childish idiotic moron like me, into an even more childish more idiotic moron. |
(376 of 519) |
| Quote: Health food makes me sick. |
(149 of 519) |
| Quote: Every morning is the dawn of a new error. |
(113 of 519) |
| Quote: Constipated people don't give a crap. |
(233 of 519) |
| Quote: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. |
(185 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me. |
(421 of 519) |
| Quote: 82% of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
(147 of 519) |
| Quote: I found a great way to stop my dogs from barking. Peanut butter. They'll sit still for hours watching me eat a sandwich. |
(474 of 519) |
| Quote: Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass. |
(174 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it. |
(369 of 519) |
| Quote: I had the cab driver drive me here backwards... the fucker owed me $27.50! |
(287 of 519) |
| Quote: Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible. |
(261 of 519) |
| Quote: In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. |
(327 of 519) |
| Quote: Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". |
(502 of 519) |
| Quote: The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep. |
(117 of 519) |
| Quote: Connecting to server... You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! You: hey Stranger: yo You: so You: u know how to factor trinomials? Stranger: fuck no Your conversational partner has disconnected. |
(518 of 519) |
| Quote: He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. |
(414 of 519) |
| Quote: Woman to man: "You're drunk!" Man: "And your're ugly. But at least I'll be sober in the morning." |
(258 of 519) |
| Quote: I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. |
(240 of 519) |
| Quote: They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants. |
(252 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world's most perfect haiku. |
(463 of 519) |
| Quote: Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. |
(483 of 519) |
| Quote: When will my raise be effective? - The same time you are. |
(382 of 519) |
| Quote: If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. |
(236 of 519) |
| Quote: I told my girlfriend it wouldn't hurt if she shaved off a few pounds, starting with the hair on her back. But you know her, she's as stubborn as an ox, even though she's a mountain goat. |
(331 of 519) |
| Quote: I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. |
(68 of 519) |
| Quote: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? |
(476 of 519) |
| Quote: Incest: a game the whole family can play. |
(411 of 519) |
| Quote: Patience will come to those who wait for it. |
(374 of 519) |
| Quote: Prepare to be or not to be! |
(462 of 519) |
| Quote: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
(19 of 519) |
| Quote: I consider conversations with people to be mind exercizes. But I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. |
(35 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals. |
(461 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable. |
(205 of 519) |
| Quote: There are two types of people, those that divide people into two groups and those that don't. |
(227 of 519) |
| Quote: Black holes suck! |
(429 of 519) |
| Quote: Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. |
(34 of 519) |
| Quote: A hard man is good to find. |
(179 of 519) |
| Quote: To err is human, to blame it on someone else is even more human. |
(235 of 519) |
| Quote: If you can't beat them...arrange to have them beaten. |
(55 of 519) |
| Quote: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. |
(163 of 519) |
| Quote: Well if God lives within all of us, like the bible states, I hope he likes Carlsberg, cause that's what he's getting! |
(368 of 519) |
| Quote: Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. |
(176 of 519) |
| Quote: Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. |
(42 of 519) |
| Quote: My wife has to be the worst cook. We pray after dinner. |
(155 of 519) |
| Quote: When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. |
(109 of 519) |
| Quote: Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. |
(17 of 519) |
| Quote: If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I'll bet there'd be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them. |
(408 of 519) |
| Quote: 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. |
(192 of 519) |
| Quote: My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. |
(16 of 519) |
| Quote: Save the whales, collect the whole set. |
(332 of 519) |
| Quote: The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. |
(359 of 519) |
| Quote: Include me out! |
(428 of 519) |
| Quote: I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep. |
(94 of 519) |
| Quote: Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing. |
(162 of 519) |
| Quote: Press any key to continu or any other key to quit. |
(314 of 519) |
| Quote: Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" |
(23 of 519) |
| Quote: 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
(251 of 519) |
| Quote: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. |
(348 of 519) |
| Quote: Why is abbreviation such a long word? |
(128 of 519) |
| Quote: For every human problem there is a solution which is simple, neat and wrong. |
(313 of 519) |
| Quote: He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. |
(89 of 519) |
| Quote: Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. |
(77 of 519) |
| Quote: Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. |
(401 of 519) |
| Quote: A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. |
(193 of 519) |
| Quote: Bush is tired, you try working in Washington 24 hours a week, 7 days a month. |
(256 of 519) |
| Quote: I'd rather be rich than stupid. |
(272 of 519) |
| Quote: It's like deja vu all over again. |
(480 of 519) |
| Quote: 100,000 sperms and you were the fastest? |
(364 of 519) |
| Quote: I know violence isn't the answer. I got it wrong on purpose. |
(232 of 519) |
| Quote: The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. |
(186 of 519) |
| Quote: When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." |
(158 of 519) |
| Quote: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. |
(228 of 519) |
| Quote: Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day. |
(131 of 519) |
| Quote: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. |
(478 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to write a story about a man with no eyelids who has a mental breakdown after a beautiful woman winked at him from across the bar, and he didn't know how to react. |
(320 of 519) |
| Quote: Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. |
(355 of 519) |
| Quote: I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. |
(39 of 519) |
| Quote: Dying is natures way of saying "Hey, you're not alive anymore!" |
(221 of 519) |
| Quote: Yes, I have plenty of change, you homeless piece of shit. Thanks for asking. |
(449 of 519) |
| Quote: When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant. |
(422 of 519) |
| Quote: Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! |
(499 of 519) |
| Quote: There is no love sincerer than the love of food. |
(384 of 519) |
| Quote: Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. |
(43 of 519) |
| Quote: I may have Alzheimer's but at least I don't have Alzheimer's. |
(102 of 519) |
| Quote: It's bad luck to be superstitious. |
(95 of 519) |
| Quote: I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words. |
(307 of 519) |
| Quote: Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
(281 of 519) |
| Quote: Written at a bathroom door: Some people come here to take a shit. I came to leave one. |
(153 of 519) |
| Quote: I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. |
(86 of 519) |
| Quote: May you live every day of your life. |
(148 of 519) |
| Quote: I was going to procrastinate. But I decided to leave it till later. |
(497 of 519) |
| Quote: If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. |
(225 of 519) |
| Quote: Soon you will have a deja-vu. Soon you will have a deja-vu. |
(253 of 519) |
| Quote: Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. |
(69 of 519) |
| Quote: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
(7 of 519) |
| Quote: If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. |
(336 of 519) |
| Quote: My wife says I'm the boss. |
(378 of 519) |
| Quote: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? |
(27 of 519) |
| Quote: I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug. |
(330 of 519) |
| Quote: If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? |
(270 of 519) |
| Quote: I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob. |
(381 of 519) |
| Quote: There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't. |
(74 of 519) |
| Quote: If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. |
(140 of 519) |
| Quote: Love me for the man I want to be. |
(138 of 519) |
| Quote: Boobs are like Little Tykes toys, fun to play with and they always end up in the mouth. |
(298 of 519) |
| Quote: Friendship is like peeing on yourself... Everyone sees it but only you get the warm feeling. |
(318 of 519) |
| Quote: A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. |
(196 of 519) |
| Quote: I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better. |
(238 of 519) |
| Quote: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a stick. |
(278 of 519) |
| Quote: Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. |
(100 of 519) |
| Quote: A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. |
(404 of 519) |
| Quote: Never have more children than you have car windows. |
(9 of 519) |
| Quote: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. |
(24 of 519) |
| Quote: He who laughs last didn't get the joke. |
(32 of 519) |
| Quote: In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. |
(430 of 519) |
| Quote: Mutant brain-eating cyborgs are bad for business. |
(444 of 519) |
| Quote: Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
(71 of 519) |
| Quote: It's better to be pissed off, than pissed on. |
(466 of 519) |
| Quote: I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. |
(284 of 519) |
| Quote: The sign said "This door to remain closed at all times". Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a door? |
(97 of 519) |
| Quote: Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. |
(435 of 519) |
| Quote: According to my wife, I'm very happy. |
(286 of 519) |
| Quote: "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. |
(511 of 519) |
| Quote: I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. |
(241 of 519) |
| Quote: Please don't confuse me with someone who gives a shit. |
(217 of 519) |
| Quote: Where ever you go, there you are. |
(309 of 519) |
| Quote: I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay. |
(507 of 519) |
| Quote: I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car. |
(245 of 519) |
| Quote: It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose. |
(133 of 519) |
| Quote: Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way. |
(315 of 519) |
| Quote: No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. |
(443 of 519) |
| Quote: A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" |
(254 of 519) |
| Quote: If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! |
(65 of 519) |
| Quote: For Xmas I want Santa's list of naughty girls. |
(437 of 519) |
| Quote: I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate! |
(25 of 519) |
| Quote: I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. |
(50 of 519) |
| Quote: I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving. |
(150 of 519) |
| Quote: Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" |
(38 of 519) |
| Quote: I have a problem with low self-esteem, which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
(44 of 519) |
| Quote: Sometimes I wake up Grumpy... Other times I let her sleep. |
(66 of 519) |
| Quote: Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. |
(312 of 519) |
| Quote: The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. |
(439 of 519) |
| Quote: Finish the project. We'll buy you a new family. |
(432 of 519) |
| Quote: A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off. |
(229 of 519) |
| Quote: I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. |
(243 of 519) |
| Quote: When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone! |
(231 of 519) |
| Quote: I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. |
(226 of 519) |
| Quote: When there's a will, I want to be in it. |
(108 of 519) |
| Quote: When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. |
(54 of 519) |
| Quote: I'm a deeply superficial person. |
(33 of 519) |
| Quote: Never judge a book by its movie. |
(304 of 519) |
| Quote: I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. |
(59 of 519) |
| Quote: Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday. |
(288 of 519) |
| Quote: I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. |
(189 of 519) |
| Quote: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. |
(452 of 519) |
| Quote: If you see a heat wave, should you wave back? |
(345 of 519) |
| Quote: I'd like to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him and leave. |
(36 of 519) |
| Quote: The future isn't what it used to be. |
(222 of 519) |
| Quote: Rehab is for quitters. |
(143 of 519) |
| Quote: Life - it's nothing like the Brochure! |
(380 of 519) |
| Quote: I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops. |
(510 of 519) |
| Quote: Being rich is better than being poor, if only for financial reasons. |
(207 of 519) |
| Quote: My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." |
(114 of 519) |
| Quote: He who angers you, gets beat up! |
(512 of 519) |
| Quote: Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours. |
(249 of 519) |
| Quote: The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. |
(122 of 519) |
| Quote: I read part of it all the way through. |
(172 of 519) |
| Quote: Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. |
(57 of 519) |
| Quote: "We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - The bell doens't work)" |
(280 of 519) |
| Quote: Were you alone or by yourself? |
(406 of 519) |
| Quote: I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. |
(468 of 519) |
| Quote: I used to think disabled people were here for my amusement. |
(426 of 519) |
| Quote: Don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail. |
(91 of 519) |
| Quote: In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. |
(125 of 519) |
| Quote: I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. |
(15 of 519) |
| Quote: My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster. |
(204 of 519) |
| Quote: My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. |
(99 of 519) |
| Quote: I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about. |
(115 of 519) |
| Quote: When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. |
(326 of 519) |
| Quote: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. |
(373 of 519) |
| Quote: Written at a bathroom door: Some people come here to sit and think. I came to shit and stink. |
(248 of 519) |
| Quote: My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. |
(37 of 519) |
| Quote: The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do. |
(344 of 519) |
| Quote: My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! |
(386 of 519) |
| Quote: Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? |
(170 of 519) |
| Quote: I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. |
(22 of 519) |
| Quote: Luckily, I blocked her kick with my balls. |
(277 of 519) |
| Quote: Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. |
(21 of 519) |
| Quote: My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. |
(41 of 519) |
| Quote: Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely. |
(216 of 519) |
| Quote: Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. |
(63 of 519) |
| Quote: Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? |
(375 of 519) |
| Quote: A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. |
(484 of 519) |
| Quote: Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts? |
(237 of 519) |
| Quote: I've used all my sick-days, so I'll call in dead today. |
(80 of 519) |
| Quote: Always borrow money from a pessimist: they don't expect to be paid back. |
(127 of 519) |
| Quote: I rang Dutch Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'. |
(188 of 519) |
| Quote: Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. |
(76 of 519) |
| Quote: No pain, no pain. |
(415 of 519) |
| Quote: Yesterday I decided to "think positive..." Then I thought "What the hell can I achieve with that?" |
(64 of 519) |
| Quote: The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. |
(126 of 519) |
| Quote: Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. |
(11 of 519) |
| Quote: Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? |
(93 of 519) |
| Quote: On your mark. Get set. Go away! |
(12 of 519) |
| Quote: If you want someone to catch something, throw it at their nose. |
(363 of 519) |
| Quote: How young can you die of old age? |
(266 of 519) |
| Quote: Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. |
(361 of 519) |
| Quote: You DO have one advantage over me - YOU can kiss my ass and I can't! |
(67 of 519) |
| Quote: To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. |
(379 of 519) |
| Quote: Politicians and diapers both need to be changed - and for the same reason! |
(111 of 519) |
| Quote: The internet is a great way to get on the net. |
(419 of 519) |
| Quote: It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility. |
(424 of 519) |
| Quote: As I said before, I never repeat myself. |
(78 of 519) |
| Quote: Never wear anything that panics the cat. |
(464 of 519) |
| Quote: Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. |
(129 of 519) |
| Quote: Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. |
(145 of 519) |
| Quote: When nothing is interesting, I take interest in nothing. |
(519 of 519) |
| Quote: A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. |
(161 of 519) |
| Quote: Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds. |
(470 of 519) |
| Quote: Me, ambivalent? Well, yes and no. |
(271 of 519) |
| Quote: Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. |
(267 of 519) |
| Quote: I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. |
(118 of 519) |
| Quote: He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. |
(264 of 519) |
| Quote: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. |
(183 of 519) |
| Quote: Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. |
(454 of 519) |
| Quote: This President is going to lead us out of this recovery. |
(328 of 519) |
| Quote: The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again. |
(450 of 519) |
| Quote: Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. |
(354 of 519) |
| Quote: Life in a vacuum sucks. |
(120 of 519) |
| Quote: Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes! |
(18 of 519) |
| Quote: The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. |
(141 of 519) |
| Quote: A good sportsman can never be a god sport. |
(513 of 519) |
| Quote: I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property". |
(104 of 519) |
| Quote: Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener. |
(438 of 519) |
| Quote: First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. |
(246 of 519) |
| Quote: I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. |
(72 of 519) |
| Quote: Behind every woman there is an ill-fated man. |
(506 of 519) |
| Quote: Enter any 11-digit prime number to continu. (23545476817 for instance...) |
(515 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to not only have the world's longest uni-brow, but, like the Great Wall of China, I want it to be visible from space. |
(190 of 519) |
| Quote: I wish you were a beer. |
(402 of 519) |
| Quote: Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? |
(289 of 519) |
| Quote: And now - excuse me while I interrupt myself - ... |
(337 of 519) |
| Quote: What if this weren't a hypothetical question? |
(40 of 519) |
| Quote: Death is hereditary. |
(208 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It'll be a great conversation starter. |
(260 of 519) |
| Quote: Some say that the greatest musicians in the world were a little bit crazy, well then I must be excellent. |
(273 of 519) |
| Quote: Mondays are a waste of 1/7 of your life. |
(60 of 519) |
| Quote: Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice |
(82 of 519) |
| Quote: Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray... |
(292 of 519) |
| Quote: Time is fun when you're having flies. |
(440 of 519) |
| Quote: It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. |
(283 of 519) |
| Quote: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. |
(166 of 519) |
| Quote: I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one. |
(47 of 519) |
| Quote: Are you any relation to your brother Marv? |
(366 of 519) |
| Quote: There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. |
(28 of 519) |
| Quote: Exit to DOS... Come in DOS... Do you copy? |
(405 of 519) |
| Quote: I invented the cordless extension cord. |
(165 of 519) |
| Quote: I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time |
(317 of 519) |
| Quote: I'm not deaf... I'm just ignoring you. |
(218 of 519) |
| Quote: I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow shit! |
(200 of 519) |
| Quote: I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. |
(116 of 519) |
| Quote: Life isn't a garden - so stop being a hoe! |
(265 of 519) |
| Quote: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. |
(46 of 519) |
| Quote: Time wounds all heels. |
(214 of 519) |
| Quote: I wanna live 'til I die. No more, no less. |
(220 of 519) |
| Quote: OK, so what's the speed of dark? |
(489 of 519) |
| Quote: Gonna buy 400 sheets of A4 and unleash my ORIGARMY! FLY YOU CRAZY SWANS FLY! |
(493 of 519) |
| Quote: The shortest distance between two points is under construction. |
(98 of 519) |
| Quote: I never said most of the things I said. |
(321 of 519) |
| Quote: I'm going to live life or die trying. |
(475 of 519) |
| Quote: On a tombstone: "I told you I was sick!" |
(30 of 519) |
| Quote: How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. |
(45 of 519) |
| Quote: A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. |
(420 of 519) |
| Quote: I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy. |
(423 of 519) |
| Quote: He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm. |
(103 of 519) |
| Quote: My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's OK! |
(362 of 519) |
| Quote: There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. |
(130 of 519) |
| Quote: War doesn't decide who's right, only who's left. |
(173 of 519) |
| Quote: My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. |
(62 of 519) |
| Quote: Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one! |
(96 of 519) |
| Quote: The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. |
(84 of 519) |
| Quote: Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. |
(177 of 519) |
| Quote: A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station. On my desk I have a workstation. |
(202 of 519) |
| Quote: Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence. |
(433 of 519) |
| Quote: I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. |
(168 of 519) |
| Quote: My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done. |
(121 of 519) |
| Quote: My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. |
(209 of 519) |
| Quote: I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one. |
(486 of 519) |
| Quote: If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. |
(191 of 519) |
| Quote: I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong. |
(199 of 519) |
| Quote: Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. |
(269 of 519) |
| Quote: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. |
(488 of 519) |
| Quote: I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. |
(85 of 519) |
| Quote: In life, do what you can. Don't can it on whatever you do. |
(516 of 519) |
| Quote: Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand. |
(136 of 519) |
| Quote: Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I. |
(295 of 519) |
| Quote: If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. |
(395 of 519) |
| Quote: The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. |
(139 of 519) |
| Quote: I like to skate on the other side of the ice. |
(509 of 519) |
| Quote: Why doesn't DOS ever say: "Excellent command or filename!" |
(250 of 519) |
| Quote: Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost. |
(393 of 519) |
| Quote: His ignorance is encyclopedic. |
(182 of 519) |
| Quote: Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. |
(101 of 519) |
| Quote: A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu. |
(460 of 519) |
| Quote: The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, and the final 10% takes the other 90% of the time. |
(88 of 519) |
| Quote: Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. |
(472 of 519) |
| Quote: For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. |
(367 of 519) |
| Quote: Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. |
(135 of 519) |
| Quote: It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it! |
(276 of 519) |
| Quote: Coffee just isn't my cup of tea. |
(224 of 519) |
| Quote: It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. |
(290 of 519) |
| Quote: There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. |
(31 of 519) |
| Quote: When I said 'death' before 'dishonor,' I meant alphabetically. |
(167 of 519) |
| Quote: Don't argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. |
(164 of 519) |
| Quote: Why put off until tomorrow, what I know I'm not going to do at all anyway. |
(180 of 519) |
| Quote: Bad command or filename. Bad, bad command. Go stand in the corner. |
(157 of 519) |
| Quote: Prediction is very difficult, especially if it's about the future. |
(247 of 519) |
| Quote: I'll kill you until you die!! |
(242 of 519) |
| Quote: Ask me how I tolerate stupid questions. |
(334 of 519) |
| Quote: Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. |
(110 of 519) |
| Quote: Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. |
(112 of 519) |
| Quote: When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. |
(105 of 519) |
| Quote: I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. |
(119 of 519) |
| Quote: Happy Birthday, you now have one year less to live. |
(169 of 519) |
| Quote: Giving up smoking is easy... I've done it hundreds of times. |
(14 of 519) |
| Quote: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. |
(152 of 519) |
| Quote: What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. |
(230 of 519) |
| Quote: The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him. |
(194 of 519) |
| Quote: Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. |
(58 of 519) |
| Quote: Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. |
(305 of 519) |
| Quote: This one guy said "look at that girl's butt! She has a nice butt." I said "yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently." |
(8 of 519) |
| Quote: I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry. |
(338 of 519) |
Quote | Pick-up line | You have a drinking problem when | Annoy people