Here you see all quotes from a specific category, ordered by time of last vote. Choose another if you like.
Quote | Pick-up line | You have a drinking problem when | Annoy people
| Quote | (Ranking) |
|---|---|
| Quote: Include me out! |
(370 of 549) |
| Quote: If loving someone is putting them in a strait jacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people. |
(387 of 549) |
| Quote: Life in a vacuum sucks. |
(174 of 549) |
| Quote: Remember those cuts and bruises when you learn to ride that bicycle? Why didn't you stop until you can make it? |
(510 of 549) |
| Quote: Prediction is very difficult, especially if it's about the future. |
(95 of 549) |
| Quote: Coffee just isn't my cup of tea. |
(207 of 549) |
| Quote: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. |
(523 of 549) |
| Quote: "Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilization of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move?" "No." "Me neither." |
(336 of 549) |
| Quote: I wish you were a beer. |
(388 of 549) |
| Quote: Half the lies they tell about me aren't true. |
(305 of 549) |
| Quote: A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off. |
(100 of 549) |
| Quote: In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. |
(155 of 549) |
| Quote: Why doesn't DOS ever say: "Excellent command or filename!" |
(143 of 549) |
| Quote: I found a great way to stop my dogs from barking. Peanut butter. They'll sit still for hours watching me eat a sandwich. |
(171 of 549) |
| Quote: If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
(32 of 549) |
| Quote: My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. |
(17 of 549) |
| Quote: Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. |
(402 of 549) |
| Quote: Never wear anything that panics the cat. |
(470 of 549) |
| Quote: Me, ambivalent? Well, yes and no. |
(362 of 549) |
| Quote: Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry. |
(6 of 549) |
| Quote: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? |
(187 of 549) |
| Quote: Yes, I have plenty of change, you homeless piece of shit. Thanks for asking. |
(490 of 549) |
| Quote: I'll kill you until you die!! |
(234 of 549) |
| Quote: There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. |
(120 of 549) |
| Quote: I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. |
(72 of 549) |
| Quote: My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. |
(82 of 549) |
| Quote: 100,000 sperms and you were the fastest? |
(243 of 549) |
| Quote: I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. |
(30 of 549) |
| Quote: 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
(70 of 549) |
| Quote: I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops. |
(466 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to write a story about a man with no eyelids who has a mental breakdown after a beautiful woman winked at him from across the bar, and he didn't know how to react. |
(290 of 549) |
| Quote: Giving up smoking is easy... I've done it hundreds of times. |
(22 of 549) |
| Quote: I rang Dutch Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'. |
(151 of 549) |
| Quote: I may have Alzheimer's but at least I don't have Alzheimer's. |
(23 of 549) |
| Quote: Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! |
(508 of 549) |
| Quote: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. |
(222 of 549) |
| Quote: Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" |
(57 of 549) |
| Quote: I like to skate on the other side of the ice. |
(532 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables. |
(504 of 549) |
| Quote: I'm going to live life or die trying. |
(461 of 549) |
| Quote: No pain, no pain. |
(235 of 549) |
| Quote: Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme |
(323 of 549) |
| Quote: Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
(329 of 549) |
| Quote: I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. |
(272 of 549) |
| Quote: Argument is to find out who is right, discussion is to find out what is right. |
(516 of 549) |
| Quote: My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. |
(283 of 549) |
| Quote: I'd like to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him and leave. |
(97 of 549) |
| Quote: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. |
(180 of 549) |
| Quote: What is the difference between apathy and ignorance? - I don't know and I don't care. |
(90 of 549) |
| Quote: There's nothing wrong with me, everybody else around me is crazy! |
(170 of 549) |
| Quote: Bush is tired, you try working in Washington 24 hours a week, 7 days a month. |
(244 of 549) |
| Quote: A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. |
(87 of 549) |
| Quote: What if this weren't a hypothetical question? |
(55 of 549) |
| Quote: The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again. |
(328 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time |
(433 of 549) |
| Quote: I like undressing women with my eyes, although I just can't quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids. |
(159 of 549) |
| Quote: Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. |
(14 of 549) |
| Quote: written this already. If Time travel were possible I would have |
(302 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It'll be a great conversation starter. |
(390 of 549) |
| Quote: Only those people who do the absurd achieve the impossoble, those who do their bosses get the promotion. |
(527 of 549) |
| Quote: A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station. On my desk I have a workstation. |
(199 of 549) |
| Quote: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. |
(224 of 549) |
| Quote: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. |
(220 of 549) |
| Quote: If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. |
(138 of 549) |
| Quote: You say psycho like it's a bad thing. |
(509 of 549) |
| Quote: I called the hotel operator, she said "how can I direct your call?" Well, you could say "action!" And I will begin to dial. And then when I say goodbye, you could yell "cut!" |
(360 of 549) |
| Quote: It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. |
(255 of 549) |
| Quote: Children in back seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause children. |
(105 of 549) |
| Quote: My wife says I'm the boss. |
(257 of 549) |
| Quote: Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. |
(33 of 549) |
| Quote: I used to think disabled people were here for my amusement. |
(437 of 549) |
| Quote: Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. |
(26 of 549) |
| Quote: Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. |
(29 of 549) |
| Quote: I'm even annoying the voices in my head, so they tell me. |
(420 of 549) |
| Quote: Black holes suck! |
(377 of 549) |
| Quote: To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra |
(331 of 549) |
| Quote: Do you come from your home town? |
(498 of 549) |
| Quote: Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. |
(271 of 549) |
| Quote: The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep. |
(278 of 549) |
| Quote: Getting into a shouting match with a guy who owes you money is like being an albino who is holding a sundial--it's a quick way to get burned. |
(431 of 549) |
| Quote: He who angers you, gets beat up! |
(320 of 549) |
| Quote: I never said most of the things I said. |
(315 of 549) |
| Quote: My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. |
(427 of 549) |
| Quote: I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob." |
(447 of 549) |
| Quote: And now - excuse me while I interrupt myself - ... |
(221 of 549) |
| Quote: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
(10 of 549) |
| Quote: I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving. |
(289 of 549) |
| Quote: Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. |
(273 of 549) |
| Quote: I was going to procrastinate. But I decided to leave it till later. |
(462 of 549) |
| Quote: To err is human, to blame it on someone else is even more human. |
(262 of 549) |
| Quote: There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't. |
(122 of 549) |
| Quote: To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends. |
(202 of 549) |
| Quote: When will my raise be effective? - The same time you are. |
(419 of 549) |
| Quote: Friendship is like peeing on yourself... Everyone sees it but only you get the warm feeling. |
(361 of 549) |
| Quote: Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. |
(292 of 549) |
| Quote: I have a problem with low self-esteem, which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
(89 of 549) |
| Quote: A hard man is good to find. |
(147 of 549) |
| Quote: The future isn't what it used to be. |
(152 of 549) |
| Quote: I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. |
(68 of 549) |
| Quote: Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. |
(148 of 549) |
| Quote: My favorite animal is steak. |
(487 of 549) |
| Quote: Why put off until tomorrow, what I know I'm not going to do at all anyway. |
(172 of 549) |
| Quote: Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds. |
(543 of 549) |
| Quote: Connecting to server... You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! You: hey Stranger: yo You: so You: u know how to factor trinomials? Stranger: fuck no Your conversational partner has disconnected. |
(544 of 549) |
| Quote: Being rich is better than being poor, if only for financial reasons. |
(259 of 549) |
| Quote: Time is fun when you're having flies. |
(446 of 549) |
| Quote: He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. |
(332 of 549) |
| Quote: I had a vision from the Dalai Lama, he said that if I didn't kill 4 people there would be an earthquake. - Sheriff: "What earthquake?" - Exactly. |
(157 of 549) |
| Quote: I like to reminisce with people I don't know. |
(141 of 549) |
| Quote: Save the whales, collect the whole set. |
(364 of 549) |
| Quote: Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". |
(482 of 549) |
| Quote: Where ever you go, there you are. |
(334 of 549) |
| Quote: For every human problem there is a solution which is simple, neat and wrong. |
(319 of 549) |
| Quote: I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob. |
(389 of 549) |
| Quote: Rehab is for quitters. |
(229 of 549) |
| Quote: My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done. |
(297 of 549) |
| Quote: Woman to man: "You're drunk!" Man: "And your're ugly. But at least I'll be sober in the morning." |
(265 of 549) |
| Quote: A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu. |
(529 of 549) |
| Quote: If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. |
(293 of 549) |
| Quote: Never judge a book by its movie. |
(237 of 549) |
| Quote: For Xmas I want Santa's list of naughty girls. |
(425 of 549) |
| Quote: Did ya hear? They took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary! |
(407 of 549) |
| Quote: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. |
(409 of 549) |
| Quote: I'm not deaf... I'm just ignoring you. |
(300 of 549) |
| Quote: Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing. |
(93 of 549) |
| Quote: Sometimes I wonder... Why is that ball getting bigger? Then it hits me! |
(118 of 549) |
| Quote: Never have more children than you have car windows. |
(200 of 549) |
| Quote: The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. |
(130 of 549) |
| Quote: I think the hardest decision you have to make before you ever decide to move to outer space, is where to put the corner bookshelf. |
(488 of 549) |
| Quote: Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. |
(61 of 549) |
| Quote: Millions have come and gone, but only few have returned, as zombies and dead pirates. |
(20 of 549) |
| Quote: Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. |
(190 of 549) |
| Quote: Incest: a game the whole family can play. |
(215 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me. |
(445 of 549) |
| Quote: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. |
(41 of 549) |
| Quote: You DO have one advantage over me - YOU can kiss my ass and I can't! |
(58 of 549) |
| Quote: I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy. |
(441 of 549) |
| Quote: Marriage is a great institution, as long as you don't mind living in one. |
(8 of 549) |
| Quote: Always borrow money from a pessimist: they don't expect to be paid back. |
(158 of 549) |
| Quote: When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." |
(325 of 549) |
| Quote: A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. |
(339 of 549) |
| Quote: If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special? |
(424 of 549) |
| Quote: There is still no cure for the common birthday. |
(310 of 549) |
| Quote: I'm so narcissistic; people don't stalk me, I stalk me. |
(19 of 549) |
| Quote: First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. |
(185 of 549) |
| Quote: Sign posted in a bathroom: "We aim to please! You aim too! Please!" |
(352 of 549) |
| Quote: Aren't you glad that bull-shit is biodegradable? |
(75 of 549) |
| Quote: Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours. |
(372 of 549) |
| Quote: I've used all my sick-days, so I'll call in dead today. |
(101 of 549) |
| Quote: I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words. |
(250 of 549) |
| Quote: Life - it's nothing like the Brochure! |
(358 of 549) |
| Quote: Don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail. |
(369 of 549) |
| Quote: Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass. |
(204 of 549) |
| Quote: Mondays are a waste of 1/7 of your life. |
(318 of 549) |
| Quote: My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." |
(27 of 549) |
| Quote: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? |
(13 of 549) |
| Quote: Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. |
(12 of 549) |
| Quote: Written at a bathroom door: Some people come here to take a shit. I came to leave one. |
(84 of 549) |
| Quote: You're unique. At least, that's what everybody hopes. |
(359 of 549) |
| Quote: I know violence isn't the answer. I got it wrong on purpose. |
(134 of 549) |
| Quote: May you live every day of your life. |
(284 of 549) |
| Quote: You learn alot in your teenage years, for instance I learned that if you're ever being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a little tunnel, then onto a mini seesaw and then jump through a ring of fire, they've trained for that you see. |
(453 of 549) |
| Quote: Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. |
(53 of 549) |
| Quote: Don't argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. |
(164 of 549) |
| Quote: My wife has to be the worst cook. We pray after dinner. |
(77 of 549) |
| Quote: There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. |
(38 of 549) |
| Quote: It's like deja vu all over again. |
(399 of 549) |
| Quote: Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? |
(440 of 549) |
| Quote: Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes! |
(42 of 549) |
| Quote: Soon you will have a deja-vu. Soon you will have a deja-vu. |
(311 of 549) |
| Quote: I have a dog that's half pitbull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a viscious gossip. |
(492 of 549) |
| Quote: My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. |
(47 of 549) |
| Quote: They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants. |
(340 of 549) |
| Quote: This President is going to lead us out of this recovery. |
(303 of 549) |
| Quote: I was only ever in love once, and it had the weirdest effect on me. It turned a childish idiotic moron like me, into an even more childish more idiotic moron. |
(426 of 549) |
| Quote: You take the red pill, the story ends you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the blue pill, it prevents pregnancies. |
(459 of 549) |
| Quote: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. |
(394 of 549) |
| Quote: I consider conversations with people to be mind exercizes. But I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. |
(86 of 549) |
| Quote: To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. |
(239 of 549) |
| Quote: To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex, with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive. |
(515 of 549) |
| Quote: "Television: A medium." So called because it's neither rare nor well done. |
(514 of 549) |
| Quote: I told my girlfriend it wouldn't hurt if she shaved off a few pounds, starting with the hair on her back. But you know her, she's as stubborn as an ox, even though she's a mountain goat. |
(327 of 549) |
| Quote: In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated. |
(406 of 549) |
| Quote: Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I. |
(449 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world's most perfect haiku. |
(524 of 549) |
| Quote: It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it! |
(274 of 549) |
| Quote: I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad. |
(102 of 549) |
| Quote: I'd rather be rich than stupid. |
(338 of 549) |
| Quote: The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. |
(28 of 549) |
| Quote: If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. |
(209 of 549) |
| Quote: I wanna live 'til I die. No more, no less. |
(163 of 549) |
| Quote: Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. |
(443 of 549) |
| Quote: He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. |
(412 of 549) |
| Quote: Stupidity is a poor excuse for ignorance. |
(3 of 549) |
| Quote: Sometimes I wake up Grumpy... Other times I let her sleep. |
(162 of 549) |
| Quote: Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. |
(168 of 549) |
| Quote: When I said 'death' before 'dishonor,' I meant alphabetically. |
(240 of 549) |
| Quote: It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. |
(326 of 549) |
| Quote: If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. |
(295 of 549) |
| Quote: Great power comes with sexy secretaries. |
(103 of 549) |
| Quote: Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. |
(219 of 549) |
| Quote: Boobs are like Little Tykes toys, fun to play with and they always end up in the mouth. |
(384 of 549) |
| Quote: Patience will come to those who wait for it. |
(405 of 549) |
| Quote: Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. |
(99 of 549) |
| Quote: They say we live in a free world, but we have to pay for goddamned everything! |
(467 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable. |
(346 of 549) |
| Quote: Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way. |
(263 of 549) |
| Quote: 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. |
(189 of 549) |
| Quote: The internet is a great way to get on the net. |
(471 of 549) |
| Quote: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? |
(430 of 549) |
| Quote: I caught Alzheimer's from my children. |
(421 of 549) |
| Quote: There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. |
(39 of 549) |
| Quote: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. |
(81 of 549) |
| Quote: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. |
(264 of 549) |
| Quote: It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. |
(294 of 549) |
| Quote: I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. |
(248 of 549) |
| Quote: Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. |
(528 of 549) |
| Quote: The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. |
(261 of 549) |
| Quote: If you see a heat wave, should you wave back? |
(322 of 549) |
| Quote: If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. |
(236 of 549) |
| Quote: On a tombstone: "I told you I was sick!" |
(183 of 549) |
| Quote: Written at a bathroom door: Some people come here to sit and think. I came to shit and stink. |
(211 of 549) |
| Quote: Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. |
(455 of 549) |
| Quote: Happy Birthday, you now have one year less to live. |
(197 of 549) |
| Quote: Gonna buy 400 sheets of A4 and unleash my ORIGARMY! FLY YOU CRAZY SWANS FLY! |
(541 of 549) |
| Quote: Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday. |
(347 of 549) |
| Quote: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? |
(50 of 549) |
| Quote: They say we use only 10% of our brain. Just think if we used the other 60%! |
(160 of 549) |
| Quote: I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. |
(76 of 549) |
| Quote: When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. |
(343 of 549) |
| Quote: The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, and the final 10% takes the other 90% of the time. |
(69 of 549) |
| Quote: I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans. |
(538 of 549) |
| Quote: If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. |
(49 of 549) |
| Quote: Why do we find "meaningless" in the dictionary? |
(139 of 549) |
| Quote: I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. |
(345 of 549) |
| Quote: I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep. |
(348 of 549) |
| Quote: Time wounds all heels. |
(173 of 549) |
| Quote: Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. |
(15 of 549) |
| Quote: I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one. |
(85 of 549) |
| Quote: I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug. |
(463 of 549) |
| Quote: Dying is natures way of saying "Hey, you're not alive anymore!" |
(135 of 549) |
| Quote: A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. |
(308 of 549) |
| Quote: Luckily, I blocked her kick with my balls. |
(350 of 549) |
| Quote: To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. |
(341 of 549) |
| Quote: Constipated people don't give a crap. |
(258 of 549) |
| Quote: When nothing is interesting, I take interest in nothing. |
(546 of 549) |
| Quote: My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. |
(145 of 549) |
| Quote: You're not the center of the universe, although you're pretty close to it... when we hug. |
(126 of 549) |
| Quote: The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. |
(379 of 549) |
| Quote: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. |
(216 of 549) |
| Quote: Please don't confuse me with someone who gives a shit. |
(198 of 549) |
| Quote: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. |
(502 of 549) |
| Quote: I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate! |
(25 of 549) |
| Quote: The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. |
(223 of 549) |
| Quote: Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener. |
(296 of 549) |
| Quote: Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost. |
(416 of 549) |
| Quote: How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. |
(176 of 549) |
| Quote: Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day. |
(63 of 549) |
| Quote: I want you to just sit there and think about how many decent and trustworthy people there are in the world, and while you're doing that, I'll be over here, kissing your girlfriend. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian. |
(374 of 549) |
| Quote: Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice |
(79 of 549) |
| Quote: Are you any relation to your brother Marv? |
(436 of 549) |
| Quote: My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. |
(537 of 549) |
| Quote: Mutant brain-eating cyborgs are bad for business. |
(519 of 549) |
| Quote: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
(2 of 549) |
| Quote: If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. |
(267 of 549) |
| Quote: Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely. |
(194 of 549) |
| Quote: Bad command or filename. Bad, bad command. Go stand in the corner. |
(206 of 549) |
| Quote: I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. |
(137 of 549) |
| Quote: Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. |
(184 of 549) |
| Quote: The first time I saw her, something just clicked. Later I found out it was the camera in my bag. |
(48 of 549) |
| Quote: Press any key to continu or any other key to quit. |
(277 of 549) |
| Quote: There are two typos of people in this world--those who can edit and those who can't. |
(494 of 549) |
| Quote: His ignorance is encyclopedic. |
(121 of 549) |
| Quote: A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" |
(279 of 549) |
| Quote: I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one. |
(517 of 549) |
| Quote: I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. |
(212 of 549) |
| Quote: Exit to DOS... Come in DOS... Do you copy? |
(496 of 549) |
| Quote: Politicians and diapers both need to be changed - and for the same reason! |
(124 of 549) |
| Quote: Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? |
(181 of 549) |
| Quote: I invented the cordless extension cord. |
(186 of 549) |
| Quote: A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. |
(108 of 549) |
| Quote: Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. |
(83 of 549) |
| Quote: What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. |
(116 of 549) |
| Quote: Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. |
(56 of 549) |
| Quote: The shortest distance between two points is under construction. |
(213 of 549) |
| Quote: I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow shit! |
(309 of 549) |
| Quote: I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. |
(313 of 549) |
| Quote: Everyone is entitled to my opinion. |
(169 of 549) |
| Quote: Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. |
(395 of 549) |
| Quote: Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? |
(177 of 549) |
| Quote: Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry! |
(533 of 549) |
| Quote: If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave. |
(417 of 549) |
| Quote: When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone! |
(166 of 549) |
| Quote: Either I'm hallucinating, or seeing things. |
(349 of 549) |
| Quote: Finish the project. We'll buy you a new family. |
(531 of 549) |
| Quote: Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one! |
(73 of 549) |
| Quote: I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better. |
(195 of 549) |
| Quote: Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" |
(64 of 549) |
| Quote: God is real, unless declared integer. |
(450 of 549) |
| Quote: Life isn't a garden - so stop being a hoe! |
(245 of 549) |
| Quote: You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. |
(34 of 549) |
| Quote: Death is hereditary. |
(201 of 549) |
| Quote: 82% of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
(115 of 549) |
| Quote: The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him. |
(210 of 549) |
| Quote: When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. |
(92 of 549) |
| Quote: Ask me how I tolerate stupid questions. |
(385 of 549) |
| Quote: He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. |
(287 of 549) |
| Quote: When there's a will, I want to be in it. |
(131 of 549) |
| Quote: It's better to be pissed off, than pissed on. |
(314 of 549) |
| Quote: I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry. |
(413 of 549) |
| Quote: Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. |
(429 of 549) |
| Quote: Everything I say is a lie... Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. |
(104 of 549) |
| Quote: According to my wife, I'm very happy. |
(299 of 549) |
| Quote: Behind every woman there is an ill-fated man. |
(545 of 549) |
| Quote: I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. |
(31 of 549) |
| Quote: Every morning is the dawn of a new error. |
(128 of 549) |
| Quote: If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! |
(40 of 549) |
| Quote: A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. |
(501 of 549) |
| Quote: Love me for the man I want to be. |
(74 of 549) |
| Quote: Well if God lives within all of us, like the bible states, I hope he likes Carlsberg, cause that's what he's getting! |
(473 of 549) |
| Quote: For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. |
(242 of 549) |
| Quote: A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. |
(217 of 549) |
| Quote: Jesus says to John come forth, I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth. he won a toaster. |
(110 of 549) |
| Quote: Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible. |
(225 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals. |
(481 of 549) |
| Quote: When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. |
(78 of 549) |
| Quote: I read part of it all the way through. |
(231 of 549) |
| Quote: A good sportsman can never be a god sport. |
(547 of 549) |
| Quote: Some say that the greatest musicians in the world were a little bit crazy, well then I must be excellent. |
(175 of 549) |
| Quote: Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. |
(298 of 549) |
| Quote: Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. |
(24 of 549) |
| Quote: "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. |
(422 of 549) |
| Quote: What did the doctor say to the diabetic patient? Life is like a box of chocolates. |
(192 of 549) |
| Quote: Who do you think is cuter? Me or my identical twin brother? |
(548 of 549) |
| Quote: I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. |
(113 of 549) |
| Quote: I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. |
(353 of 549) |
| Quote: When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant. |
(448 of 549) |
| Quote: If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I'll bet there'd be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them. |
(474 of 549) |
| Quote: Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. |
(266 of 549) |
| Quote: For me there are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats. |
(401 of 549) |
| Quote: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
(167 of 549) |
| Quote: Prepare to be or not to be! |
(408 of 549) |
| Quote: I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay. |
(535 of 549) |
| Quote: It's bad luck to be superstitious. |
(67 of 549) |
| Quote: Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? |
(256 of 549) |
| Quote: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a stick. |
(119 of 549) |
| Quote: When the moon broke apart in the late 2050's, the climate of Earth was devastated. Mankind's birthworld could no longer sustain life, other than the well adapted creatures, such as cockroaches and lawyers. |
(442 of 549) |
| Quote: The covers of this book are too far apart. |
(281 of 549) |
| Quote: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. |
(51 of 549) |
| Quote: I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. |
(178 of 549) |
| Quote: I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. |
(43 of 549) |
| Quote: Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. |
(495 of 549) |
| Quote: I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. |
(153 of 549) |
| Quote: I'm a deeply superficial person. |
(45 of 549) |
| Quote: If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? |
(98 of 549) |
| Quote: Boys are like slinkies: completely useless, but fun to watch fall down stairs. |
(252 of 549) |
| Quote: Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. |
(355 of 549) |
| Quote: I hate hypothetical questions, maybe I am an over achiever but I always am dying to answer them. |
(534 of 549) |
| Quote: I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong. |
(500 of 549) |
| Quote: I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. |
(9 of 549) |
| Quote: Yesterday I decided to "think positive..." Then I thought "What the hell can I achieve with that?" |
(253 of 549) |
| Quote: Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
(230 of 549) |
| Quote: My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! |
(391 of 549) |
| Quote: It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose. |
(107 of 549) |
| Quote: The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. |
(16 of 549) |
| Quote: He who laughs last didn't get the joke. |
(18 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to not only have the world's longest uni-brow, but, like the Great Wall of China, I want it to be visible from space. |
(317 of 549) |
| Quote: Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand. |
(44 of 549) |
| Quote: My girlfiend said to me in bed last night: "you're a pervert". I said, "that's a big word for a girl of nine". |
(21 of 549) |
| Quote: There is no love sincerer than the love of food. |
(363 of 549) |
| Quote: A computer is that electronic device you buy when you wanna watch porn. |
(506 of 549) |
| Quote: As I said before, I never repeat myself. |
(188 of 549) |
| Quote: How young can you die of old age? |
(280 of 549) |
| Quote: Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray... |
(196 of 549) |
| Quote: The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. |
(249 of 549) |
| Quote: My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's OK! |
(457 of 549) |
| Quote: My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. |
(150 of 549) |
| Quote: War doesn't decide who's right, only who's left. |
(71 of 549) |
| Quote: I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. |
(109 of 549) |
| Quote: Inside every fat woman is a thin lady screaming to get out - I can usually shut the bitch up with chocolate! |
(111 of 549) |
| Quote: - When will Microsoft start making things that don't suck? - When they start making vacuum cleaners. |
(497 of 549) |
| Quote: Health food makes me sick. |
(540 of 549) |
| Quote: I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. |
(286 of 549) |
| Quote: No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. |
(380 of 549) |
| Quote: In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. |
(423 of 549) |
| Quote: I had the cab driver drive me here backwards... the fucker owed me $27.50! |
(456 of 549) |
| Quote: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. |
(127 of 549) |
| Quote: I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. |
(114 of 549) |
| Quote: Why is abbreviation such a long word? |
(123 of 549) |
| Quote: Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts? |
(254 of 549) |
| Quote: If you can't beat them...arrange to have them beaten. |
(52 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral. |
(337 of 549) |
| Quote: I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. |
(468 of 549) |
| Quote: The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do. |
(301 of 549) |
| Quote: He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm. |
(80 of 549) |
| Quote: OK, so what's the speed of dark? |
(483 of 549) |
| Quote: I have a Dream. A dream that one day, I'll wake up. |
(486 of 549) |
| Quote: I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car. |
(333 of 549) |
| Quote: There are two types of people, those that divide people into two groups and those that don't. |
(324 of 549) |
| Quote: I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it. |
(469 of 549) |
| Quote: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. |
(476 of 549) |
| Quote: This one guy said "look at that girl's butt! She has a nice butt." I said "yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently." |
(96 of 549) |
| Quote: Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. |
(530 of 549) |
| Quote: In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. |
(477 of 549) |
| Quote: I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property". |
(94 of 549) |
| Quote: When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. |
(354 of 549) |
| Quote: Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. |
(228 of 549) |
| Quote: Enter any 11-digit prime number to continu. (23545476817 for instance...) |
(549 of 549) |
| Quote: When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. |
(161 of 549) |
| Quote: In life, do what you can. Don't can it on whatever you do. |
(542 of 549) |
| Quote: I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about. |
(129 of 549) |
| Quote: Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. |
(125 of 549) |
| Quote: Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. |
(37 of 549) |
| Quote: The sign said "This door to remain closed at all times". Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a door? |
(60 of 549) |
| Quote: My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster. |
(285 of 549) |
| Quote: If you want someone to catch something, throw it at their nose. |
(478 of 549) |
| Quote: Were you alone or by yourself? |
(396 of 549) |
| Quote: It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility. |
(411 of 549) |
| Quote: Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence. |
(376 of 549) |
| Quote: Liberals invent the future, conservatives re-invent the past. |
(503 of 549) |
| Quote: Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. |
(133 of 549) |
| Quote: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. |
(65 of 549) |
| Quote: "We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - The bell doens't work)" |
(246 of 549) |
| Quote: Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. |
(11 of 549) |
| Quote: A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. |
(307 of 549) |
| Quote: If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. |
(452 of 549) |
| Quote: The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. |
(149 of 549) |
| Quote: Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
(59 of 549) |
| Quote: On your mark. Get set. Go away! |
(4 of 549) |
| Quote: Work is the curse of the drinking class. |
(507 of 549) |
| Quote: Nice guys are good in bed because they finish last. |
(251 of 549) |
Quote | Pick-up line | You have a drinking problem when | Annoy people