Here you see all quotes from a specific category, ordered by time of last vote. Choose another if you like.
Quote | Pick-up line | You have a drinking problem when | Annoy people
| Quote | (Ranking) |
|---|---|
| Quote: I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world's most perfect haiku. |
(402 of 484) |
| Quote: Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. |
(481 of 484) |
| Quote: To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra |
(7 of 484) |
| Quote: A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. |
(478 of 484) |
| Quote: To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. |
(412 of 484) |
| Quote: Love me for the man I want to be. |
(125 of 484) |
| Quote: Life - it's nothing like the Brochure! |
(337 of 484) |
| Quote: He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. |
(417 of 484) |
| Quote: Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. |
(358 of 484) |
| Quote: Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. |
(131 of 484) |
| Quote: If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. |
(159 of 484) |
| Quote: Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. |
(66 of 484) |
| Quote: There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. |
(40 of 484) |
| Quote: Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? |
(160 of 484) |
| Quote: I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property". |
(126 of 484) |
| Quote: Giving up smoking is easy... I've done it hundreds of times. |
(11 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it. |
(140 of 484) |
| Quote: My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. |
(21 of 484) |
| Quote: Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. |
(27 of 484) |
| Quote: I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. |
(79 of 484) |
| Quote: If you can't beat them...arrange to have them beaten. |
(87 of 484) |
| Quote: Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. |
(121 of 484) |
| Quote: Exit to DOS... Come in DOS... Do you copy? |
(374 of 484) |
| Quote: Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing. |
(217 of 484) |
| Quote: Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme |
(188 of 484) |
| Quote: I've used all my sick-days, so I'll call in dead today. |
(84 of 484) |
| Quote: What if this weren't a hypothetical question? |
(56 of 484) |
| Quote: A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" |
(322 of 484) |
| Quote: I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. |
(134 of 484) |
| Quote: My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. |
(51 of 484) |
| Quote: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. |
(17 of 484) |
| Quote: When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. |
(118 of 484) |
| Quote: Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. |
(269 of 484) |
| Quote: How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. |
(36 of 484) |
| Quote: Yesterday I decided to "think positive..." Then I thought "What the hell can I achieve with that?" |
(90 of 484) |
| Quote: Press any key to continu or any other key to quit. |
(220 of 484) |
| Quote: I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. |
(83 of 484) |
| Quote: There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. |
(156 of 484) |
| Quote: What is the difference between apathy and ignorance? - I don't know and I don't care. |
(33 of 484) |
| Quote: There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't. |
(45 of 484) |
| Quote: Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. |
(178 of 484) |
| Quote: Yes, I have plenty of change, you homeless piece of shit. Thanks for asking. |
(394 of 484) |
| Quote: The future isn't what it used to be. |
(237 of 484) |
| Quote: A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. |
(301 of 484) |
| Quote: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. |
(170 of 484) |
| Quote: Being rich is better than being poor, if only for financial reasons. |
(248 of 484) |
| Quote: The sign said "This door to remain closed at all times". Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a door? |
(28 of 484) |
| Quote: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? |
(46 of 484) |
| Quote: I have a dog that's half pitbull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a viscious gossip. |
(300 of 484) |
| Quote: Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? |
(425 of 484) |
| Quote: Woman to man: "You're drunk!" Man: "And your're ugly. But at least I'll be sober in the morning." |
(252 of 484) |
| Quote: Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. |
(451 of 484) |
| Quote: For every human problem there is a solution which is simple, neat and wrong. |
(234 of 484) |
| Quote: I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay. |
(473 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral. |
(94 of 484) |
| Quote: I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one. |
(47 of 484) |
| Quote: Work is the curse of the drinking class. |
(466 of 484) |
| Quote: Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes! |
(18 of 484) |
| Quote: It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility. |
(428 of 484) |
| Quote: My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. |
(85 of 484) |
| Quote: 100,000 sperms and you were the fastest? |
(268 of 484) |
| Quote: I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate! |
(9 of 484) |
| Quote: Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. |
(181 of 484) |
| Quote: I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. |
(232 of 484) |
| Quote: Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours. |
(325 of 484) |
| Quote: He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. |
(109 of 484) |
| Quote: For me there are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats. |
(341 of 484) |
| Quote: Soon you will have a deja-vu. Soon you will have a deja-vu. |
(326 of 484) |
| Quote: Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely. |
(294 of 484) |
| Quote: I read part of it all the way through. |
(266 of 484) |
| Quote: Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. |
(78 of 484) |
| Quote: According to my wife, I'm very happy. |
(283 of 484) |
| Quote: I'm not deaf... I'm just ignoring you. |
(207 of 484) |
| Quote: Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. |
(32 of 484) |
| Quote: You're unique. At least, that's what everybody hopes. |
(351 of 484) |
| Quote: When nothing is interesting, I take interest in nothing. |
(460 of 484) |
| Quote: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? |
(447 of 484) |
| Quote: I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words. |
(256 of 484) |
| Quote: The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. |
(172 of 484) |
| Quote: Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray... |
(321 of 484) |
| Quote: Never wear anything that panics the cat. |
(455 of 484) |
| Quote: And now - excuse me while I interrupt myself - ... |
(330 of 484) |
| Quote: Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! |
(387 of 484) |
| Quote: For Xmas I want Santa's list of naughty girls. |
(375 of 484) |
| Quote: My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. |
(124 of 484) |
| Quote: When I said 'death' before 'dishonor,' I meant alphabetically. |
(299 of 484) |
| Quote: My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. |
(469 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to write a story about a man with no eyelids who has a mental breakdown after a beautiful woman winked at him from across the bar, and he didn't know how to react. |
(324 of 484) |
| Quote: Save the whales, collect the whole set. |
(439 of 484) |
| Quote: When the moon broke apart in the late 2050's, the climate of Earth was devastated. Mankind's birthworld could no longer sustain life, other than the well adapted creatures, such as cockroaches and lawyers. |
(338 of 484) |
| Quote: Patience will come to those who wait for it. |
(287 of 484) |
| Quote: "Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilization of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move?" "No." "Me neither." |
(254 of 484) |
| Quote: For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. |
(380 of 484) |
| Quote: The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. |
(158 of 484) |
| Quote: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. |
(41 of 484) |
| Quote: I have a problem with low self-esteem, which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
(173 of 484) |
| Quote: I may have Alzheimer's but at least I don't have Alzheimer's. |
(81 of 484) |
| Quote: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. |
(138 of 484) |
| Quote: Friendship is like peeing on yourself... Everyone sees it but only you get the warm feeling. |
(298 of 484) |
| Quote: Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I. |
(354 of 484) |
| Quote: I told my girlfriend it wouldn't hurt if she shaved off a few pounds, starting with the hair on her back. But you know her, she's as stubborn as an ox, even though she's a mountain goat. |
(257 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables. |
(364 of 484) |
| Quote: I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug. |
(115 of 484) |
| Quote: If you see a heat wave, should you wave back? |
(407 of 484) |
| Quote: Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. |
(209 of 484) |
| Quote: First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. |
(213 of 484) |
| Quote: My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster. |
(311 of 484) |
| Quote: Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. |
(316 of 484) |
| Quote: If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special? |
(423 of 484) |
| Quote: I consider conversations with people to be mind exercizes. But I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. |
(6 of 484) |
| Quote: On your mark. Get set. Go away! |
(8 of 484) |
| Quote: Are you any relation to your brother Marv? |
(347 of 484) |
| Quote: I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy. |
(376 of 484) |
| Quote: There is no love sincerer than the love of food. |
(120 of 484) |
| Quote: The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him. |
(346 of 484) |
| Quote: I wanna live 'til I die. No more, no less. |
(271 of 484) |
| Quote: There is still no cure for the common birthday. |
(432 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable. |
(139 of 484) |
| Quote: The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. |
(332 of 484) |
| Quote: In life, do what you can. Don't can it on whatever you do. |
(476 of 484) |
| Quote: The covers of this book are too far apart. |
(265 of 484) |
| Quote: I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. |
(331 of 484) |
| Quote: Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday. |
(279 of 484) |
| Quote: Ask me how I tolerate stupid questions. |
(258 of 484) |
| Quote: I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops. |
(438 of 484) |
| Quote: A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. |
(150 of 484) |
| Quote: I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep. |
(112 of 484) |
| Quote: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? |
(104 of 484) |
| Quote: In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. |
(123 of 484) |
| Quote: My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. |
(167 of 484) |
| Quote: 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. |
(74 of 484) |
| Quote: My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." |
(183 of 484) |
| Quote: They say we use only 10% of our brain. Just think if we used the other 60%! |
(400 of 484) |
| Quote: There are two typos of people in this world--those who can edit and those who can't. |
(319 of 484) |
| Quote: Why put off until tomorrow, what I know I'm not going to do at all anyway. |
(186 of 484) |
| Quote: The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do. |
(305 of 484) |
| Quote: On a tombstone: "I told you I was sick!" |
(48 of 484) |
| Quote: When will my raise be effective? - The same time you are. |
(348 of 484) |
| Quote: Were you alone or by yourself? |
(385 of 484) |
| Quote: "Television: A medium." So called because it's neither rare nor well done. |
(408 of 484) |
| Quote: If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. |
(233 of 484) |
| Quote: Luckily, I blocked her kick with my balls. |
(276 of 484) |
| Quote: When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. |
(60 of 484) |
| Quote: Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way. |
(235 of 484) |
| Quote: Always borrow money from a pessimist: they don't expect to be paid back. |
(177 of 484) |
| Quote: War doesn't decide who's right, only who's left. |
(175 of 484) |
| Quote: I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. |
(312 of 484) |
| Quote: Life isn't a garden - so stop being a hoe! |
(224 of 484) |
| Quote: Include me out! |
(437 of 484) |
| Quote: Inside every fat woman is a thin lady screaming to get out - I can usually shut the bitch up with chocolate! |
(157 of 484) |
| Quote: To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex, with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive. |
(166 of 484) |
| Quote: Life in a vacuum sucks. |
(327 of 484) |
| Quote: My girlfiend said to me in bed last night: "you're a pervert". I said, "that's a big word for a girl of nine". |
(4 of 484) |
| Quote: I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob. |
(133 of 484) |
| Quote: I like to skate on the other side of the ice. |
(482 of 484) |
| Quote: I want you to just sit there and think about how many decent and trustworthy people there are in the world, and while you're doing that, I'll be over here, kissing your girlfriend. - Danny McCrossan - Northern Irish Comedian. |
(70 of 484) |
| Quote: If loving someone is putting them in a strait jacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people. |
(185 of 484) |
| Quote: If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. |
(359 of 484) |
| Quote: Me, ambivalent? Well, yes and no. |
(148 of 484) |
| Quote: The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again. |
(461 of 484) |
| Quote: The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. |
(107 of 484) |
| Quote: Gonna buy 400 sheets of A4 and unleash my ORIGARMY! FLY YOU CRAZY SWANS FLY! |
(445 of 484) |
| Quote: You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. |
(22 of 484) |
| Quote: You DO have one advantage over me - YOU can kiss my ass and I can't! |
(97 of 484) |
| Quote: If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. |
(251 of 484) |
| Quote: To err is human, to blame it on someone else is even more human. |
(212 of 484) |
| Quote: Prepare to be or not to be! |
(406 of 484) |
| Quote: My favorite animal is steak. |
(446 of 484) |
| Quote: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. |
(142 of 484) |
| Quote: Everyone is entitled to my opinion. |
(302 of 484) |
| Quote: I'd like to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him and leave. |
(30 of 484) |
| Quote: A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. |
(136 of 484) |
| Quote: Atheism is a non-prophet organization. |
(360 of 484) |
| Quote: If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. |
(141 of 484) |
| Quote: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. |
(93 of 484) |
| Quote: A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu. |
(424 of 484) |
| Quote: Time is fun when you're having flies. |
(454 of 484) |
| Quote: My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. |
(105 of 484) |
| Quote: Where ever you go, there you are. |
(384 of 484) |
| Quote: Written at a bathroom door: Some people come here to take a shit. I came to leave one. |
(282 of 484) |
| Quote: I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. |
(5 of 484) |
| Quote: My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. |
(19 of 484) |
| Quote: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. |
(463 of 484) |
| Quote: Every morning is the dawn of a new error. |
(143 of 484) |
| Quote: My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's OK! |
(349 of 484) |
| Quote: I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. |
(43 of 484) |
| Quote: I'd rather be rich than stupid. |
(247 of 484) |
| Quote: I never said most of the things I said. |
(281 of 484) |
| Quote: If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. |
(164 of 484) |
| Quote: He who laughs last didn't get the joke. |
(39 of 484) |
| Quote: Boobs are like Little Tykes toys, fun to play with and they always end up in the mouth. |
(296 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals. |
(390 of 484) |
| Quote: He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm. |
(103 of 484) |
| Quote: God is real, unless declared integer. |
(369 of 484) |
| Quote: Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" |
(34 of 484) |
| Quote: My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! |
(334 of 484) |
| Quote: Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. |
(15 of 484) |
| Quote: It's like deja vu all over again. |
(450 of 484) |
| Quote: A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. |
(49 of 484) |
| Quote: A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off. |
(182 of 484) |
| Quote: When there's a will, I want to be in it. |
(253 of 484) |
| Quote: Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. |
(102 of 484) |
| Quote: I used to think disabled people were here for my amusement. |
(368 of 484) |
| Quote: How young can you die of old age? |
(328 of 484) |
| Quote: Dying is natures way of saying "Hey, you're not alive anymore!" |
(272 of 484) |
| Quote: Rehab is for quitters. |
(386 of 484) |
| Quote: I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. |
(55 of 484) |
| Quote: I'll kill you until you die!! |
(255 of 484) |
| Quote: Either I'm hallucinating, or seeing things. |
(383 of 484) |
| Quote: I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. |
(50 of 484) |
| Quote: What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. |
(240 of 484) |
| Quote: If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. |
(14 of 484) |
| Quote: Please don't confuse me with someone who gives a shit. |
(263 of 484) |
| Quote: I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad. |
(132 of 484) |
| Quote: To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. |
(86 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me. |
(320 of 484) |
| Quote: In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. |
(397 of 484) |
| Quote: When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. |
(286 of 484) |
| Quote: If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. |
(238 of 484) |
| Quote: When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant. |
(363 of 484) |
| Quote: Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. |
(37 of 484) |
| Quote: Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. |
(88 of 484) |
| Quote: In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated. |
(29 of 484) |
| Quote: There are two types of people, those that divide people into two groups and those that don't. |
(179 of 484) |
| Quote: I'm a deeply superficial person. |
(44 of 484) |
| Quote: I wish you were a beer. |
(462 of 484) |
| Quote: Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. |
(262 of 484) |
| Quote: Coffee just isn't my cup of tea. |
(414 of 484) |
| Quote: Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost. |
(293 of 484) |
| Quote: Mondays are a waste of 1/7 of your life. |
(117 of 484) |
| Quote: If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. |
(261 of 484) |
| Quote: As I said before, I never repeat myself. |
(72 of 484) |
| Quote: If you want someone to catch something, throw it at their nose. |
(329 of 484) |
| Quote: The internet is a great way to get on the net. |
(362 of 484) |
| Quote: Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. |
(96 of 484) |
| Quote: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. |
(264 of 484) |
| Quote: Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence. |
(456 of 484) |
| Quote: It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. |
(371 of 484) |
| Quote: Sign posted in a bathroom: "We aim to please! You aim too! Please!" |
(242 of 484) |
| Quote: No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. |
(409 of 484) |
| Quote: Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible. |
(241 of 484) |
| Quote: I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. |
(42 of 484) |
| Quote: Why is abbreviation such a long word? |
(64 of 484) |
| Quote: I know violence isn't the answer. I got it wrong on purpose. |
(203 of 484) |
| Quote: Half the lies they tell about me aren't true. |
(259 of 484) |
| Quote: I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving. |
(199 of 484) |
| Quote: Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. |
(273 of 484) |
| Quote: If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I'll bet there'd be a lot more people trying to take pictures of them. |
(323 of 484) |
| Quote: Enter any 11-digit prime number to continu. (23545476817 for instance...) |
(483 of 484) |
| Quote: Behind every woman there is an ill-fated man. |
(479 of 484) |
| Quote: No pain, no pain. |
(440 of 484) |
| Quote: If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave. |
(340 of 484) |
| Quote: Time wounds all heels. |
(219 of 484) |
| Quote: Children in back seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause children. |
(110 of 484) |
| Quote: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? |
(206 of 484) |
| Quote: Written at a bathroom door: Some people come here to sit and think. I came to shit and stink. |
(314 of 484) |
| Quote: He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. |
(426 of 484) |
| Quote: The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, and the final 10% takes the other 90% of the time. |
(114 of 484) |
| Quote: Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. |
(223 of 484) |
| Quote: My wife has to be the worst cook. We pray after dinner. |
(137 of 484) |
| Quote: Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. |
(289 of 484) |
| Quote: Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener. |
(413 of 484) |
| Quote: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. |
(398 of 484) |
| Quote: The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep. |
(106 of 484) |
| Quote: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. |
(113 of 484) |
| Quote: I'm going to live life or die trying. |
(459 of 484) |
| Quote: Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. |
(430 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time |
(285 of 484) |
| Quote: Why doesn't DOS ever say: "Excellent command or filename!" |
(333 of 484) |
| Quote: A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. |
(267 of 484) |
| Quote: My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done. |
(196 of 484) |
| Quote: You learn alot in your teenage years, for instance I learned that if you're ever being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a little tunnel, then onto a mini seesaw and then jump through a ring of fire, they've trained for that you see. |
(274 of 484) |
| Quote: I had a vision from the Dalai Lama, he said that if I didn't kill 4 people there would be an earthquake. - Sheriff: "What earthquake?" - Exactly. |
(116 of 484) |
| Quote: Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. |
(211 of 484) |
| Quote: I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry. |
(315 of 484) |
| Quote: The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. |
(355 of 484) |
| Quote: My wife says I'm the boss. |
(381 of 484) |
| Quote: His ignorance is encyclopedic. |
(128 of 484) |
| Quote: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
(12 of 484) |
| Quote: Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one! |
(122 of 484) |
| Quote: Some say that the greatest musicians in the world were a little bit crazy, well then I must be excellent. |
(308 of 484) |
| Quote: Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts? |
(222 of 484) |
| Quote: I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans. |
(411 of 484) |
| Quote: The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. |
(343 of 484) |
| Quote: It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. |
(187 of 484) |
| Quote: I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. |
(453 of 484) |
| Quote: Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. |
(16 of 484) |
| Quote: A good sportsman can never be a god sport. |
(471 of 484) |
| Quote: I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one. |
(458 of 484) |
| Quote: I was going to procrastinate. But I decided to leave it till later. |
(474 of 484) |
| Quote: Jesus says to John come forth, I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth. he won a toaster. |
(2 of 484) |
| Quote: Don't argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. |
(108 of 484) |
| Quote: You say psycho like it's a bad thing. |
(457 of 484) |
| Quote: I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. |
(68 of 484) |
| Quote: I invented the cordless extension cord. |
(225 of 484) |
| Quote: There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. |
(52 of 484) |
| Quote: Well if God lives within all of us, like the bible states, I hope he likes Carlsberg, cause that's what he's getting! |
(370 of 484) |
| Quote: Constipated people don't give a crap. |
(310 of 484) |
| Quote: The shortest distance between two points is under construction. |
(99 of 484) |
| Quote: Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass. |
(163 of 484) |
| Quote: I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. |
(145 of 484) |
| Quote: Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. |
(198 of 484) |
| Quote: It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. |
(69 of 484) |
| Quote: A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station. On my desk I have a workstation. |
(144 of 484) |
| Quote: I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. |
(62 of 484) |
| Quote: Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. |
(75 of 484) |
| Quote: Never judge a book by its movie. |
(208 of 484) |
| Quote: Politicians and diapers both need to be changed - and for the same reason! |
(280 of 484) |
| Quote: Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. |
(152 of 484) |
| Quote: Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
(307 of 484) |
| Quote: Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day. |
(100 of 484) |
| Quote: If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! |
(3 of 484) |
| Quote: I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about. |
(67 of 484) |
| Quote: Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. |
(10 of 484) |
| Quote: I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. |
(228 of 484) |
| Quote: If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? |
(270 of 484) |
| Quote: The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. |
(205 of 484) |
| Quote: 82% of all statistics are made up on the spot. |
(127 of 484) |
| Quote: I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car. |
(95 of 484) |
| Quote: They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants. |
(61 of 484) |
| Quote: A hard man is good to find. |
(151 of 484) |
| Quote: Prediction is very difficult, especially if it's about the future. |
(216 of 484) |
| Quote: I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. |
(20 of 484) |
| Quote: Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? |
(431 of 484) |
| Quote: I like undressing women with my eyes, although I just can't quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids. |
(13 of 484) |
| Quote: Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. |
(63 of 484) |
| Quote: I like to reminisce with people I don't know. |
(195 of 484) |
| Quote: He who angers you, gets beat up! |
(480 of 484) |
| Quote: Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" |
(25 of 484) |
| Quote: I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. |
(214 of 484) |
| Quote: I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob." |
(365 of 484) |
| Quote: The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. |
(58 of 484) |
| Quote: Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. |
(344 of 484) |
| Quote: I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. |
(147 of 484) |
| Quote: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. |
(444 of 484) |
| Quote: Happy Birthday, you now have one year less to live. |
(236 of 484) |
| Quote: I was only ever in love once, and it had the weirdest effect on me. It turned a childish idiotic moron like me, into an even more childish more idiotic moron. |
(339 of 484) |
| Quote: Sometimes I wake up Grumpy... Other times I let her sleep. |
(24 of 484) |
| Quote: I rang Dutch Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'. |
(201 of 484) |
| Quote: Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice |
(98 of 484) |
| Quote: Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. |
(54 of 484) |
| Quote: Death is hereditary. |
(189 of 484) |
| Quote: Incest: a game the whole family can play. |
(239 of 484) |
| Quote: It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it! |
(215 of 484) |
| Quote: Black holes suck! |
(345 of 484) |
| Quote: When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. |
(101 of 484) |
| Quote: It's bad luck to be superstitious. |
(89 of 484) |
| Quote: I think the hardest decision you have to make before you ever decide to move to outer space, is where to put the corner bookshelf. |
(155 of 484) |
| Quote: Did ya hear? They took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary! |
(171 of 484) |
| Quote: Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. |
(313 of 484) |
| Quote: A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. |
(405 of 484) |
| Quote: When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone! |
(297 of 484) |
| Quote: Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds. |
(420 of 484) |
| Quote: Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. |
(427 of 484) |
| Quote: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. |
(23 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to not only have the world's longest uni-brow, but, like the Great Wall of China, I want it to be visible from space. |
(146 of 484) |
| Quote: Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
(111 of 484) |
| Quote: OK, so what's the speed of dark? |
(465 of 484) |
| Quote: "We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - The bell doens't work)" |
(367 of 484) |
| Quote: I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It'll be a great conversation starter. |
(275 of 484) |
| Quote: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
(1 of 484) |
| Quote: Bad command or filename. Bad, bad command. Go stand in the corner. |
(245 of 484) |
| Quote: Getting into a shouting match with a guy who owes you money is like being an albino who is holding a sundial--it's a quick way to get burned. |
(154 of 484) |
| Quote: A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. |
(65 of 484) |
| Quote: Bush is tired, you try working in Washington 24 hours a week, 7 days a month. |
(91 of 484) |
| Quote: Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. |
(190 of 484) |
| Quote: I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. |
(31 of 484) |
| Quote: I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better. |
(176 of 484) |
| Quote: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. |
(442 of 484) |
| Quote: Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? |
(57 of 484) |
| Quote: Finish the project. We'll buy you a new family. |
(184 of 484) |
| Quote: If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
(26 of 484) |
| Quote: The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. |
(168 of 484) |
| Quote: Don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail. |
(80 of 484) |
| Quote: Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry. |
(92 of 484) |
| Quote: Mutant brain-eating cyborgs are bad for business. |
(392 of 484) |
| Quote: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a stick. |
(243 of 484) |
| Quote: It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose. |
(204 of 484) |
| Quote: Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand. |
(191 of 484) |
Quote | Pick-up line | You have a drinking problem when | Annoy people