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MOST Popular overall |
| 1. |
Annoy people:
Ask your waitress if it's considered cow tipping if you give her a dollar. |
| 2. |
Quote:
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
| 3. |
Quote:
Stupidity is a poor excuse for ignorance. |
| 4. |
Quote:
On your mark. Get set. Go away! |
| 5. |
Pick-up line:
When it comes to dating, I have strict standards...I never let a woman sit on my face that I can't bench press. |
| 6. |
Quote:
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry. |
| 7. |
Annoy people:
Ask your dry cleaner if spot remover will work on your neighbor's barking dog. |
| 8. |
Quote:
Marriage is a great institution, as long as you don't mind living in one. |
| 9. |
Quote:
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now. |
| 10. |
Quote:
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
| 11. |
Quote:
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. |
| 12. |
Quote:
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. |
| 13. |
Quote:
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? |
| 14. |
Quote:
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. |
| 15. |
Quote:
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. |
| 16. |
Quote:
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. |
| 17. |
Quote:
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. |
| 18. |
Quote:
He who laughs last didn't get the joke. |
| 19. |
Quote:
I'm so narcissistic; people don't stalk me, I stalk me. |
| 20. |
Quote:
Millions have come and gone, but only few have returned, as zombies and dead pirates. |